For Your Information

Basically, I wish you love me.
I wish that you needed me.
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, I actually meant three.
I wish that without me, your heart will break.
I wish that without me, you's be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me, you couldn't eat.
I wish that I was the last thing in your mind before you went to sleep and the first to think of when you wake up in the morning.

XOXO
You know you love me, Phebs

YOURMAN

Tell me that and I'll believe in you.

How much am I?

Every woman deserves a man who looks at her every day like the day he first realized he was in love with her!

I know they say first love is the sweetest, but the first cut is the deepest. I miss you.

Hush, Bitches!

I just don't get it how people able to talk NON-STOP during lecture. Is it that hard for you to just stop talking rubbish with your friends? If that so, just don't come to class and disturb other students!

I find it VERY ironic for people that talk so LOUD when they're just 3 feet away from each other. OMGEE, are you freaking DEAF? Can't you talk a little bit softly?!!

Mission seems to be Impossible

First of all, Congratulations to HELP UNIVERSITY COLLEGE which had upgraded to HELP UNIVERSITY today! haha totally out of random.

NEXT, Congratulations to Ms Phoebe Lee because I got hired by UNIQLO!!! OMGEE!!!! There was like 5 missed calls when i checked my phone after the 4 freaking hours of lectures, and this was what happened when I reply the call... "Congratulation, you've successfully make the cut and got into shortlisted. Please attend the orientation which will be held on next weekends." I was shouting to whoever called me! HAHAHA I can't believe I'm gonna work in the JAPAN no1 fashion brand! I'm so EXCITED!!! After few hours of thinking the amount of money I could possibly make in a month, something hits me. DAMN! I've got 6 freaking subjects this semester!!! FREAK! I've got class everyday, plus working, where the hell I got time for assignments and study?! Thought of dropping biopsy, but then I gotta spend a sem just finishing it so that i could proceed to year 3, WHICH is so not going to happen. So ya, I'm still taking 6 subjects, and working at least 4 days a week in uniqlo, and write assignments and study at the same time. I almost thought this will be mission totally impossible, and I remember what Ms Tes just told us today in her group process class, "Nothing is impossible!". YES! The only thing that stands between a person and what they want in life is the will to try it and the faith to believe its possible. I'm not alone, God's with me. We will do this together!

XOXO
With HIM, everything is possible. Phebs

Tooth Fairy

I sincerely wish that for once in my life, a guy who I love would come to me and say "I love you. Not because of your hair, you lips nor your eyes, but you're beautiful from the inside out.

I really hope this day will come.

How did things ended that way?

My great grandfather, Bruce Lee once said "Patience has its limits, take it too far and it's cowardice."

:D Hope you know what you're doing.

Clouds make me Moody

I know what it's like to want to die so badly.
I know how it hurts to force a smile.
I know how you try so bad to fit in but you can't.
I know how you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside.
I know how hopeless you feel when nobody else stand by you and all they do is watch and laugh.
I know how helpless you are to just satisfy everybody's needs and expectations.
I know how tiny you felt when you screamed so loud but nobody hears you.
I know how painful it's like to work your ass of for something and as return, you got nothing.

I screwed up things very often and I'm started to think that I was born to lose. It's hard to live in a world that I could never ever fit in and giving up seems like the easiest way. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know who am I, anymore.

XOXO
I think I need to see a therapist.

Queen and King

I havent been blogging since June, God knows why.

I have too much to share about the past few months, but my mind went totally blank when I start writing it here. Funny.

Exactly a year ago, I posted this on facebook...
" Broken hearted girls are like Queens in the chess game. Queen always have DEADliest moves, but she'd sacrifice herself to let her King live. "

I was reminded why did I posted that and its something have been inside of me. I guess, it'll always be a part of me.

A lot have changed since I reached Aussie, I've changed and could see that when I interact with people. I felt like I'm no more the depressed-emo-quiet Phoebe and I dont wear the "Dont-mess-with-me" fierce look. I guess its the environments and people. :D I'm glad. Love Aussie, totally! I would like to spend the rest of my life in this place after I retired. But before that, I want to stay in the states and married a Caucasian! :))

Sitting around on the grass in UQ makes me thoughts a lot about my future. Gotta admit, it's really good for me cause it motivate me to work harder in studies. Rachel and I was talking about studying in the States together. It's really exciting already when I thought of it! I have good feelings for next sem!

Fawn's leaving to UK in 20 days. She's been such a good friend and it's hard to see her leave. Our group is getting smaller and smaller. :((

XOXO
More upcoming, Phebs!

Who's the man?

他，走路一年比一年慢了。他，白头发一年比一年多了。他，记性一年比一年差了。都六十岁人了，天天还要日晒雨淋的做功，为的都是我。他虽然从来没讲过他爱我，但他给我的爱和温暖从来不比别人少。他虽然很粗鲁不讲道理，但我讲的话他都听在心里。谢谢你这20年来的爱护！

His walking pace is getting slower each year. The grey hair of his, had added on each year. Little by little, he's losing his memory. He's almost 60 years old, and yet he work day and night under sun and rain, just for me. He never said that he love me, but the stuffs that he did had shown. He's always rude and dominant, but he remember every single words that I said and keep it inside of him. Thanks for taking good care of me these 20 years and loving me so much!

Happy Father's day and Happy birthday Dad! :D

XOXO
You know you love me, Phebsy

The honest compliment

I hate wearing white. It keep reminding how fat I am.
I hate wearing make up. It keep reminding how ugly I am.
I hate wearing heels. It keep reminding how short I am.
I hate looking myself in the mirror. It keep reminding me how disgusting I am.

So, when people say something nice about my appearance, I often think they said it for the sake of saying it. Because it's not true, at all.

XOXO
Ugly ducking, Phebsy.

I'm awake, now.

It strikes me.

Yes Dr Goh, it is heart breaking.

Thanks for the wake up calls, I'm fully awake now and I promise I know what I'm doing.

Sorry that I took it for granted.

XOXO
Heart broken, Phebsy

No, It's not okay.

We're not okay. Nope, we're not.

You don't know me at all. So, please stop talking like you do.

Thank you. :)

Friends of the yesterdays

Its really hard, I tried hard.

I've been trying so hard to reconcile our friendship. Even though you hurt me every time we meet, I still keep it inside, smile and try to talk with you. But, you give ma no chance at all. I tried creating topics, one after another. Yet, you're not listening to me, not talking to me, not even looking at me. It's like i'm invisible. 10 years of friendship its really difficult to have it and I wanted us to be friends forever. But it seems like you don't have to will to continue in the show.

Do you know how hard it was to be misunderstood by everyone? I cried all the time because of the ways you guys treated me. You've been telling others about me, stuffs that's not true. People buy it and make that kind of stare at me every time I walked in. I was rejected by everyone! Nobody wanna to talk to me nobody cares about me! You guys chat like i'm not there!

You guys doesn't care for me, when I was sick, when my grandpa die, when I had problems with my studies....None of you care and yet, I continue smile to everyone on Sundays and concern about all your life.

Friends are not suppose to be like that.
Friends are suppose to be there when they need each other.
Friends are suppose to listen and talk to each other when one's having a rough time.
Friends are suppose to laugh and cry together no matter what happen....

I love everyone of you, but nobody give a shit of what's happening to me.

The Holidays

So, how i spent my 2 precious week of sem break?

Since I don't have friends now, and no one would want to go to watch with me. I started the journey of watching movies in the cinema, alone.


I'm a fan of Donnie Yen and fighting too. :)


Fast 5 was just above awesome! definitely love it!


Red riding hood is just awesome, unexpected.

I scared myself out of this. A Singaporean made scary/comedy movie. I was the ONLY ONE in the whole cinema.


I cried twice watching this. They remake the story of our Chinese famous fairy tale with the remembrance of the past Leslie Chung. They changed the story though and I like it.


Then, I cried again watching love and other drugs.


And Rachel was right, burlesque was just, nah....

I bought dvds to watch too, miss a lot of nice movies like Just Go With It, No Strings Attached, The Tourist....

It surprised me that, I havent been talking to anyone for 4 days. Its was zombie life. I slept at day and watch movies/shows in the night.

I went jogging everyday too, since I'm way too free.

Now, one week left, I'll make sure it worth!

XOXO
Movie mania, Phebsy

The Shock News

I just thought of visiting you after my Monday's paper.
Read you the news, pray with you and ask God to take away your pain.
I thought of singing you some songs, with my old guitar.
Thought of telling you jokes, to make you realize the world's still not that bad.

But then, JJ called me.

"She's gone, phoebe. 3 hours ago."

You left at the evening. Suddenly, you're gone.

I'm sorry I didnt make the arrangement earlier to visit you. I thought there's still time.

I'm so sorry.

May you rest in peace.

Your sincere,
Phebs.

It's D.O.N.E.

it never occurs to me that our years of friendship could be so fragile.

I'm over you and everyone else. You're immature and so do those who choose your sides without a seconds of thinking. It's okay, I have no friends to talk to now or cry to. Its okay, I mean I still can bear with it.

What's unbearable was days before that day. That day, I was insane, crazy and psycho. Smashing everything in my room, screaming, crying out loud and yelled to my parents saying I wish both of you kill me now. It was a melt down I guess and I just couldn't bear with it. I mean, with my crazy studies, parents who's getting the D papers sign and yell at me all the time since, the bffs who blamed me for basically everything, crazy works and no one in my life that I could go to, I guess I just kinda get insane with the situations. It feels like I need to deal everything in everywhere and God's playing hide and seek with me. I hate church and the whole God crap now, I hate people who're hypocrite in church, I hate being there like an idiot, I hate friends there who treat me like trash and I just wanna leave that damn place.

Ya people, go and put the blame on me that i'm irresponsible, i'm not holy, I'm evil, I'm...whatever! I'm so over everyone there. You guys not even there for me, and who the hell are you to judge me?! I have my bad days and sometimes i might show it, but don't you? Seriously, I'm better off without ALL of you. We can still talk but it'll never be the same. I was always there for everyone of you. I've move one now, and I wont stand at the same spot waiting for you to give me a nod or a smile anymore.

It's done, I'm done.

Once again

Once again, God have tested on me.
It's like i'm a Lab rat, being tested how much pain I could bear with.

Trying so hard to escaping from this cage, but God just put me back.
Yes, I have very low self-esteem and when you treat me like a trash, I really feel like one.
It's really really pain inside and no one know.
I don't feel appreciated all the time. Often, I fell people take me for granted.

I wasn't given a face or a body size that I wish. Even my personalities.
I dont like anything about myself. Even an inch.
I was born in a place that being fat and ugly is a sin.

I feel like an ogre.

The Dumbo Dumb Dumb

From now on, it's literally me against the world. There will be only less than 4 hours of sleep per day. I have to get back what I lost.

I'm in great depression. You know the feeling that you thought you was doing good all this while but then one day it just strike you and your world fall apart. Yes. That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm at the bottom of everything! As a punishment or i shall say-preparation for the next war, I'll be studying and doing notes for every single day! YES, EVERY FREAKING SINGLE DAY!

Then plan is each day, I'll study/do notes from 11pm-1am, sleep for 3 hours, wake up and study again until 6.30am when I need to clean up and go Uni!

I started the plan today. Its 4am now. I was studying and doing the notes for biopsy and it took me nearly 4 hours to finish it. Tomorrow will revise advanced method. I know it's not good for my health and blah blah blah. But then, health and grades... do I still have to choose? I'll do WHATEVER it takes to get the grades I want!

XOXO
I'm not kidding, Phebsy

Running out of Time

It's March, 4 months left.

I'm running out of time to make my silly wish come true.

Gotta give it a try no matter what! I'll work out more!

XOXO
desperate student, Phebsy

Just for you, Babe!

Ker yi had her 21st full of surprises! Hahaha I've been planning it for 2 weeks for the gifts, people and places. Its wasn't a big whoo-haa but simple and nice.

On her birthday itself, I made her believe that we have tutorials and from HELP I abducted her and blind-folded her. Then sally drove us to Levain which I predict would be a heaven for her since she LOVES bread. We had a fun time there, just 3 of us. That was the 1st surprise.

Then, we brought her to Pavillion for shopping. We asked her to go order in Snowflake and we went to buy cupcakes for her, as her 21st birthday cake. That was the 2nd surprise.

After a while, 2 of her high school friends showed up - Eng hoe and Wei Junn. =) Of course, it was part of the plan. That was the 3rd surprise! There were suppose to have the 4th surprise, which was her gift. But it got some problem in delivering so yea, gotta hold till next week! Anyhoos~ Glad that She happy! >3
______________________________________________

On Thursday, we had another celebration for her. We went Souled Out for dinner. There's Ker Yi, Me, Ging, Zhi Sung and Ker Chi. Its a really nice place! Good service, delicious food, reasonable price, and wonderful surrounding!















Afterward, the night was still early. We went Delicious in Bangsar to have dessert since we couldn't choose one from Souled Out. Nothing worth the price. We stay till 11pm and left the mall. Meet up the rest at Mist. OMG, It's dead in either Mist and Milk. There's just one freaking table! We headed to Zouk, which was the original plan.









Happy birthday Sweetheart! >3

XOXO
Double up the workout! Phebsy

我,今年二十七八岁

我今年二十七八岁，
每天起床的时间从中午12点变成早上7点，睡觉的时间从凌晨2点变成了晚上11点；

我今年二十七八岁，
开始工作，开始接触形形色色的人；

我今年二十七八岁，
下班路过学校，看见学校放学，我们会怀念我们上学的时候；


我今年二十七八岁，
见到亲戚朋友，他们不再问你考试考了几分，更多的是问现在一个月工资多少；

我今年二十七八岁，
聊天的话题，从各种网络游戏变成汽车、房子，吃饭的时候讨论的往往是他准备结婚，她哪年结婚；

我今年二十七八岁，
每天不再感叹学校有多少作业做不完，开始感叹油价、房价涨的有多快；


我今年二十七八岁，
不再乱买东西，月底开始算计这个月还了信用卡，还了房贷，还剩下多少钱；

我今年二十七八岁，
渐渐地讨厌酒吧、KTV，喜欢亲近自然，喜欢健康的生活方式；


我今年二十七八岁，
常常会很挂念学校的朋友们，但是在QQ群里永远是隐身；


我今年二十七八岁，
我们开始追逐梦想，不会再轻易流泪，不会再为了一点挫折而放弃；

我今年二十七八岁，
没有了年少的轻狂，把遇到的挫折困难都当成一种人生的阅历，试着去包容，试着去忍耐；


我今年二十七八岁，
回想起曾经，我们做过了太多的错事，走了太多的弯路，我们总在后悔，可是我们回不去了，回去不那个曾经纯真的年代了。当我们被社会上无形的压力压 的喘不过气的时候，我们渴望每天下班了能有个人一起吃饭，一起看电影，我们需要一个人来为我们分担些东西。我们在一条伟大的航路上，我们需要有人为我们鼓 劲，也许我们偶尔累到会想放弃，可是当我们想到身边还有让我们牵挂的人，深吸一口气，继续向前走，我相信总有一个能够停靠的彼岸。



今年我二十七八岁，，，
孤单时 我没有去网吧
我们用手机隐身上QQ 看看谁在线呢 看见熟悉的人 想说点什么 究竟又什么也没说，就这样纠结着...我把空间刷新了一遍又一遍 看看谁更新心情了，谁更新日志了 回复了符号 却没有回复句子。。。
我今年二十七八岁，
烦恼的时候不再发牢骚··· 我静静的 静静的看着听着 这很现实又很虚伪的世界，，，
我今年二十七八岁，
明明很想哭，却还在笑。

明明很在乎，却装作无所谓。

明明很想留下，却坚定的说要离开。

明明很痛苦，却偏偏说自己很幸福。

明明忘不掉，却说已经忘了。

明明放不下，却说他是他，我是我。

明明舍不得，却说我已经受够了。

明明说的是违心的假话，却说那是自己的真心话。

明明眼泪都快溢出眼眶，却高昂着头。

明明已经无法挽回，却依旧执着。

明明知道自己很受伤，却说你不必觉得欠我的。

明明这样伪装着很累，却还得依旧……
为的只是隐藏起自己的脆弱，即使很难过，也会装的无所谓，只是不愿别人看见自己的伤口，不想让自己周围的人但心，不想让别人同情自己，只想在心底 独自承受，虽然心疼的难以呼吸，却笑着告诉所有人“我没事的！”然后静下来时，自己便笑话自己，何必把自己伪装的那么坚强?好像自己可以承受所有的苦难… 呵呵，这好累…好累………

--------------------------------------------------------
This is an article I saw online. It's meaning and I cried after reading it. :(

I have Me

Without any clues what's happening right now, I'm in total lost.

Actually, I think i can get it by pieces that I collected. My family is in crisis now and they try to not let me know. My bffs are avoiding with God-know-why reasons and I'm in a lot of stress of the research papers. I do really need to talk to them about the whole family drama, but then, they're showing me this attitude as if I did something terrible. And you know the funny part? When I confronted to them and ask "hey, is there something going on between us? Did I did something that you ain't happy about it?", and guess what I got? They claimed that there isn't any different if I know the truth and asked me stop forcing them cause they are feeling upset now and need time to clear off. I was like WTH?! I don't even know what's the problem?! Don't you think I deserve to know the truth?! At least I know what I did was right or wrong. So now, basically I'm the public enemy. It's miserable cause when I need friends the most, they choose to hurt me and leave me alone. We were like triple all this while and out of the sudden I was kicked out and you guys went shopping, movies, dinner without me. YET, I'm like an idiot, smiling, pretend nothing happened and keep friends with you all. I don't understand. If your definition of best friend means hurting me like that, how about others? Why only me? It's been always me. YES, again it's my fault! Everything is my fault.

I'm alone. My family's gone. bff's gone. I have no one to go to.
I'm all by myself now, without anyone.
It's cool, I still have me.



I know I shouldn't, but when I looked out from the window, I feel freedom.
I know it's not right. But what's right? Everything's so crazy around, I just can't take it any longer.
My heart's hurt, it's in a lot of pain. SO?! Who knows and who cares?!
Every single day, like a clown I drew a big smile on my face, put on the colorful costume and I walk out that door.
And when I come back, the pain never gone less.
It's always about others others others... how about me?
People come to me and I helped them. When I have problems, no one even ask about it. Who do I go to? I have no one, not even my bffs. I have no one but myself.

Exhausted

I'm freaking tired.

Tired of doing others jobs for them, of pleasing others, of faking that damn smile, of trying to fit in so badly, of keeping everything inside, of agreeing what everybody says, of doing what others told.

It's just so damn hard. I'm exhausted, give me a break will ya?! I'm done being a puppet and letting others control how I feel, how I live my life!

I just wanna run away, far away from here! Cant wait to leave this place and start a new life of my own. But when reality strike, things just the same again. It's aint that easy to get rid of these.

After a long day of works and studies, what i need was some relax time with best friends. Instead of laughing together like fools, you ignore me totally. And I have done nothing wrong! So what's your problem?! YES! It so happen that everything's my fault! I'm always the one to blame for! Yes right! Shoot me then! Just freaking pull the trigger and shoot me!

Slumber Party

Catherine come over yesterday. We laugh together while having pillow fights. We had a break down and cried. We sleep eventually midnight WHILE talking half way.

Its good to have you, sister. >3

XOXO
you know I can't live without you, Phebsy

This is me

Realize this recently, I can't communicate with others.

It feels like I'm so NOT in the group, that I can't fit in anywhere. People dont particularly like me, for I don't really respond when people talk to me, they think I'm arrogant or being cold. And I look like I'm mad to the whole world when I don't smile.

But the fact is I just don't know how to communicate with people. I can't respond well. I don't really know how to open or continue in the conversation. And I guess I have this face problem that I look upset when actually I'm just having my normal face.

People had been telling me and I know all this while. To Smile. I'm trying my best but it's just so hard. Because its not me. When I was young, something bad happened and I didn't smile or laugh for a year plus. People tend to put the blame on me saying why ain't you smiling but they're totally clueless about my past. You might think why is it so hard to just smile. Trust me, it's hard for me. Sometimes, you could almost see that I faked it.

I got better in recent years. Decided that I gotta change in order to fit in. But now, I found that the whole smiling is not the only reason the people don't come to talk to me. AGAIN, it's because of I'm ugly and fat. Please don't tell me that I'm being paranoid cause I'm not. I got this all the time and no one gets it. Friends around me are prettier than me, and people tend to just talk to them, look at them. I'm like invisible. I feel alone and I feel hurt.

"It's okay. God love you" I told myself.

I have aims for 2011. There's 2 of them and I wish that by the end of december 2011, I'll have no regrets.

Back from Jail

I always love her, even when she went through a tough time and got into some difficulties. Welcome back, Lindsay. >3

Call me the 2nd year now, I'm proud. All i could say is time flies and it feels like it was just yesterday when we had our freshman lunch. This year, I felt that I'm a grown up and have more responsibilities on me. I'm an adult now and have a future to work on.

Honey moon is ending real SOON. This sem, we're having psy 208 Biopsychology by Dr. Hera **shouting like a crazy fans** haha, psy 221 Developmental Psychology by Teresita Gutlerrez **silence...** I have no idea who's that, and psy 201 Advanced Research Method by Miss Winnie **Ehem ehem...** you know what i mean. These is our core and for the elective would be....












...The pictures told you most of it, about what we're taking for the elective.


Its psy 218 Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect by Mr Alex Lui. It's gonna be one of my favorite in the list. Child abuse had always been my...concern subjects. 1st year results weren't that satisfy, so my aim for this year would be - I really really need to put in more efforts. =)

XOXO
You know I can make it, Phebsy