Bad Day...Bad Week...

Have you ever found yourself wanted to find a hole and hide yourself inside because you did something wrong and you have no idea of it? Today, it was totally....embarrassing? shameful?

Here's what happened.
Me and my friend are working in this hell place called...you know what? I don't even wanna give a damn on it. We've been working in the office for about one year. So cut off all the stories, today when we were about to leave after work, we saw there's foods at the lower foyer. I guess it's for the English debate students from all the high schools. Of course then, we went down and have a look on it. There's like fruit tarts, cheese tarts, mixed tarts, bacon sandwiches and blah blah blah... Then, I came out this stupid idea of taking some of the snacks for my boss, my friend warned me but I thought it'll be fine.

After I got all the foods, wanted to head to the office, my boss' colleague stop us and hold our arms VERY VERY tight! She was saying "girls, you cant take this foods, its for VIP, if you want, go the student's area and take! This foods is just for the VIPs." We just said "But it's was for our boss." I thought she'll just let go of us but guess what she said? "I don't care! Still, you guys can not take that! It's just for the VIPs!!! Now go go GO! The Tan Sri is looking!!! Faster Go NOW!!!"
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I've never been treated like that before!!! What?! You treat us like beggars?!!! We told our boss and she said it'll be fine. She'll talk for us. But still, it's so shameful!!! I mean there's a lot of people there, and she just pulled us out and scold us in front of everyone?!! And just throw us out by yelling "Go Go faster Go NOW??!!", treat us like dogs? Yea, we're part-timers, but part-timer not human? part-timer don't have feelings? Oh God....

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Few days back, lunch break, after we had finish our lunch at Ali Maju, we went Mama's Kitchen to "da pao" (take-away) for our boss, since she's not going out for lunch we'll just have to bring it in for her. Then, we went Starbucks. While walking towards to order our drinks, we even haven't stop at the counter, that skinny-she male look-weirdo starbucks staff said to us "You'll have to sit outside". I didnt get what he mean at first, but my friend did. Then my friend just said "Owh, we're not eating." (with a smiling face on her face) AND... ... That skinny-she male look-weirdo guy said "yea right" (with a unbelievable face). OH MY GOODNESS!!! That was so insulted!!! My friend dragged me out then after we got our drinks. I was so mad man!!! I told my friend that we should sit inside and prove to him that we're NOT EATING!!! Having a "take-over" into starbucks means we'll eat in there?! How rude is he!!! My friend already said "we're not eating here", what else you want? Are you deaf? or do you happened to have some problems in understanding? I just can't believe it, I'm so angry that I think i'm going to talk to the manager. With me and my friend's power could make him loss his job or take down that starbucks for being un-polite/ rude to customers. You never know who are you pissing with and you can't even imagine how powerful is a scandal could be.

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Had the youth meeting on past Sunday. Well, I couldn't say it didn't went well, compare to the past, yeah, i guess this time was pretty okay. It's just that I wasn't really happy about something that some people had said to me. But never mind, cause i realize whatever I touch, I did, I said... Its all wrong. So, I'll just accept it, keep it, and zip my mouth about it, no matters its my fault or not. God knows the best. God's watching.

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So, I'm new here (Blog), so of course I go and view all my friends blog. It so happened that I saw the dude which I used to like him so deeply, in one of my friends' friends' peers list. Therefore I just so in and view through all the post he wrote. And my heart stopped, when I saw he mentioned about me! Oh God, I never knew he'll talked about me in his blog!!! BUT, as i scan through, his post was just....seriously, I couldn't believe I fell in love to this dude. Thank God I give him up not long ago. People warned me about him, says he's not good. Now I believe them. Guys, sorry for not listening.

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Just came back from the fellowship in Victor's house, same thing, same attitude, same question... I think for them, its pretty hard to understand what's other people is going through, hard to understand people's situation.

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Mel asked : Is this what you really want? Are you happy?
... ... ...

Responsibilities...

Seriously, I apology for my action. I'm so SORRY that I was so sick at a certain point that I lay on my bed and can't get up, I'm so SORRY that I didn't inform you guys that I'm not coming, I'm so SORRY that you guys have to come to me and questioning me about my sense of responsible, I'm so SORRY that it was my fault to fall to sick till I almost faint during my exam, I'm so SORRY that I forgot there's an activity on Saturday, I'm so SORRY that I've gotta take the whole responsibilities for one or two mistakes i did, and I'm TOTALLY SO SORRY that you guys think I'm pushing my responsibilities to others...

I mean, you can judge me in whatever person you think I am. But the reason is W.H.Y. ? Seriously, had anyone ask why before coming to a conclusion that I'm lack of responsibility? Why did I missed that Sunday? Why didn't I picked up my phone? ... For the sake of God, had anyone care about what happened to me? It's been weeks and yet no, people wont care you're death or alive, they just wanna things to be done. I'M NOT PUTTING THE BLAME TO OTHERS, did I make myself clear? I just want you all to JUST TRY to be in my shoe, understand what I just gone through. I was very very ill till a certain point I couldn't move but lay on bed for days. I was WRONG, but not all. God know the best.

Still, people just...DON'T LISTEN. If you could just calm down and JUST TRY to listen to me and understand me, I won't be writing this with a great disappointment. What's so wrong of informing others that there's an event and he/she are in charging of it? What's so wrong of reminding a friend that he'll/she'll will need to be prepare for an event? Why must be so RESIST of "you're the person in charge, you SHOULD remember everything about it"? You know, people do FORGET, and especially they're in a very very very ill condition, BTW, do you know how much I've gone through? With just listening to my voice, saying "you didn't sounds that bad", is that the way you judge a sick person? And guess what, I'm surprised of those who questioned me and have no sympathy for me at all. So now what? Even Christian have follow the world's trend : Being cold-blooded animal?

Lord, forgive us and make us whole again. Make us work things together again, please.

Family...

A call i received just now ...

"...I've gotta go out for a dinner with the others shareholders, there's 20$ bucks i put on your table, go have your dinner with your friends. I'll be coming home late tonight...Mom."

All I did said in the phone was "Hello" and "bye"....

Things changed, people changed, the world is changing.... but not my family....

I've been sick of empty promises and lies since God knows when... I've a mum, and she's all I have. I love her and I know she loves me too. Since a kid, I've been told that mummy is busy doing works, I should take care of myself and never brings her troubles. All this years, when I was sick, very very ill, hurt, accidents, any problems I faced, I gotta solve it myself cause I know that mummy wont have any extra time for me. I can't take her time for just solving my little tiny problem. Honestly, I barely see my mum's images in my mind during my childhood. All I could see is...the maids and babysitters.

Whenever, my friends telling their family stories, I smiled. But, behind that smiling face, I envy. I envy them for, they always have their mom to fetch them after school, they could see their mom when they step in the house, they can have a long chat with their mom and laughing all the time, and some of them even sleep with their mom...

People said "...Phoebe, you must be very lucky since you're the only child in the family..." Yea, how lucky am i to have a workaholic mom...I don't hate her, I just want to spend some time with her... I guess this called "wishful thinking", something I learned in critical thinking skill.

I remember, when I was in primary school, I used to pretend I'm sick and called my mom to come over school to pick me up. It's not about skipping classes, but wanted to see my mom, wanted her to pay more attention to me than her works. I guess, it never works and it cause my mom a lot of problems and since then I learned my lesson : Never disturb mummy no matter what happened.

I'm really glad that I've a mum which I know many others in the world didn't even know who's their mom or how their mom looks like. But mummy, I just want a little time from you...just a little...

Hols and quitting

Everyone, no matter people who's in working or studying, always expect the holidays...

For me, there's never a holiday. I guess the last holiday i had was...2-3 years ago?
With the economic downturn, i was lucky to get a job last year, a part time job. At first, I could still cope it. However, recently things got heavier. Lots of people come, I've gotta interview them, teach them stuffs, clean up the mess they did, then they quit and leave. At the end, just me, doing all the things by myself.

Last night, Andrew told me that, it's all about self-interest. In the reality, you don't care about how others' going to cope if you quit the job. If you do so, who's going to care about you? It's not like they pay you 15$ per hour, and you've to work like shit? If you feel like quitting the job, just quit.

Today, Derek told me that, if it's not about Mr. Yap, he wont even give a damn on this job. People here don't care about you. They don't care whether you can finish the job, but the job done on the desk.

He's right. Some of the people just couldn't stand the tension and stress given, so they quit. Yea, maybe they quit in a irresponsible way, throwing a mess for the rest to clean, but have anyone wonder why these people do so? There's a boundaries, limit, a line... you can take this kind of stress doesn't mean others deserve what you're going through.

All i think about was should I or shouldn't I quit the job when i was in office today. Why do I accept the job at the first place? What makes me wanted to work? Why am I still working here while I'm running out of time for the tons of reports, assignments, presentations...waiting for me to finish? Is this good for me? Do I actually have any time for myself? Other than studying and working, who i am?, what else i did in everyday?... ... ... AM I HAPPY?

Finally...

Yea with all ridicule from friends for not having a blog, here you goes!

Why create a blog?
However, it is a part of my dream to have a blog, haha, sounds ambitious. I always wanted to have a blog, since everyone around me has one, and i think the purpose to have a blog is not that i wanna to have one as others has also, mainly because, i wanted to voice out. Things always kept inside of me and a blog is just what i need, to shout my anger, sadness, disappointment...thats why i named it " confession of a broken heart"...emo...haahha...

Why now?
As i said, i always wanted but just lazy to got o the website and fill up the form....anyhow, its mei thin that "inspire" me, is time to have a blog now! hahah...thanks Mei Thin!!! you make my life whole again!!! kidding la...chill...

Hope i'll use this often so that who ever concern about me will know my updates...goodnight everyone!