Addiction

I have this urge... this urger to drink when i'm upset.

Nobody have really realize anything, yet.
Mom's busy, as usual. Dad's ignoring, as usual.
Bffs are too native and thinks i'm still the kid they first met in primary school.
Others ... guess it never came up to them.

I'm depress all the time and cant seem to find anyone to talk to.
Everyone is busy with boyfriends, schools, works...

It started since the broke up. I'm not blaming him, but it just seems that nothing could stop the pain until I found this. This one thing that could make me forget about things, that could make me relief, that could make me sleep without wetting my pillow. Even though it'll only last for a while, but better than I did nothing and just sitting there alone and feels ... numb.

People don't understand, they just don't. I used to tell them my problems, but not anymore. Because they don't listen, they think its just a small matter. Since then, I stop telling, sharing.
I used to believe therapist could help, with the depression and all. So I went to see one. It gone better at first but it went worse after a while.

Now, I just couldn't seems to stop. It's the only way out.

Laugh

HAHAHAHAHAHA....

People tend to laugh at jokes, at people, and at jokes on people.

People like to make fun of me,my size particular. Sometimes, I sucked it up and put on a fake smile and continue to talk with them so that they know I'm OK with it. The other times, I would just force myself to smile and be silence. BUT it was never okay, never will be.

I know this is human nature. But don't you expect me to ignore it because I cant. Because it hurt, badly inside. People just don't get it, "What the big deal?! it was just a joke!". It's not joke anymore when it comes to personal attack.

Don't expect me to get use to these because I'll never will. All these years, it was never easy to pretend like I'm okay.

Life

A mother watching her child running around in the park with the other kids. Paying attention and never leave a sight from him. Scaring her little kid might fall and bully by others. That's her life.

A hawker waking up at 3 am to prepare foods and open his stall at 6am. Never stop cooking, packaging, serving and keeping money till afternoon. Closing stalls and rush to get materials for tomorrow's. That's his life.

A little boy being woke up by his mum in the morning 5.30am, reluctantly. Getting ready to go to school, with his eyes close. Playing around with his buddies during lunch. Buying his favorite nuggets for lunch. Watching power rangers after school. That's his life.

I have a life, like everyone else.
From what you seen, I'm laughing like a happy go lucky girl with no worries.
And people often believe what they see on the outside.