I have Me

Without any clues what's happening right now, I'm in total lost.

Actually, I think i can get it by pieces that I collected. My family is in crisis now and they try to not let me know. My bffs are avoiding with God-know-why reasons and I'm in a lot of stress of the research papers. I do really need to talk to them about the whole family drama, but then, they're showing me this attitude as if I did something terrible. And you know the funny part? When I confronted to them and ask "hey, is there something going on between us? Did I did something that you ain't happy about it?", and guess what I got? They claimed that there isn't any different if I know the truth and asked me stop forcing them cause they are feeling upset now and need time to clear off. I was like WTH?! I don't even know what's the problem?! Don't you think I deserve to know the truth?! At least I know what I did was right or wrong. So now, basically I'm the public enemy. It's miserable cause when I need friends the most, they choose to hurt me and leave me alone. We were like triple all this while and out of the sudden I was kicked out and you guys went shopping, movies, dinner without me. YET, I'm like an idiot, smiling, pretend nothing happened and keep friends with you all. I don't understand. If your definition of best friend means hurting me like that, how about others? Why only me? It's been always me. YES, again it's my fault! Everything is my fault.

I'm alone. My family's gone. bff's gone. I have no one to go to.
I'm all by myself now, without anyone.
It's cool, I still have me.



I know I shouldn't, but when I looked out from the window, I feel freedom.
I know it's not right. But what's right? Everything's so crazy around, I just can't take it any longer.
My heart's hurt, it's in a lot of pain. SO?! Who knows and who cares?!
Every single day, like a clown I drew a big smile on my face, put on the colorful costume and I walk out that door.
And when I come back, the pain never gone less.
It's always about others others others... how about me?
People come to me and I helped them. When I have problems, no one even ask about it. Who do I go to? I have no one, not even my bffs. I have no one but myself.

Exhausted

I'm freaking tired.

Tired of doing others jobs for them, of pleasing others, of faking that damn smile, of trying to fit in so badly, of keeping everything inside, of agreeing what everybody says, of doing what others told.

It's just so damn hard. I'm exhausted, give me a break will ya?! I'm done being a puppet and letting others control how I feel, how I live my life!

I just wanna run away, far away from here! Cant wait to leave this place and start a new life of my own. But when reality strike, things just the same again. It's aint that easy to get rid of these.

After a long day of works and studies, what i need was some relax time with best friends. Instead of laughing together like fools, you ignore me totally. And I have done nothing wrong! So what's your problem?! YES! It so happen that everything's my fault! I'm always the one to blame for! Yes right! Shoot me then! Just freaking pull the trigger and shoot me!

Slumber Party

Catherine come over yesterday. We laugh together while having pillow fights. We had a break down and cried. We sleep eventually midnight WHILE talking half way.

Its good to have you, sister. >3

XOXO
you know I can't live without you, Phebsy

This is me

Realize this recently, I can't communicate with others.

It feels like I'm so NOT in the group, that I can't fit in anywhere. People dont particularly like me, for I don't really respond when people talk to me, they think I'm arrogant or being cold. And I look like I'm mad to the whole world when I don't smile.

But the fact is I just don't know how to communicate with people. I can't respond well. I don't really know how to open or continue in the conversation. And I guess I have this face problem that I look upset when actually I'm just having my normal face.

People had been telling me and I know all this while. To Smile. I'm trying my best but it's just so hard. Because its not me. When I was young, something bad happened and I didn't smile or laugh for a year plus. People tend to put the blame on me saying why ain't you smiling but they're totally clueless about my past. You might think why is it so hard to just smile. Trust me, it's hard for me. Sometimes, you could almost see that I faked it.

I got better in recent years. Decided that I gotta change in order to fit in. But now, I found that the whole smiling is not the only reason the people don't come to talk to me. AGAIN, it's because of I'm ugly and fat. Please don't tell me that I'm being paranoid cause I'm not. I got this all the time and no one gets it. Friends around me are prettier than me, and people tend to just talk to them, look at them. I'm like invisible. I feel alone and I feel hurt.

"It's okay. God love you" I told myself.

I have aims for 2011. There's 2 of them and I wish that by the end of december 2011, I'll have no regrets.

Back from Jail

I always love her, even when she went through a tough time and got into some difficulties. Welcome back, Lindsay. >3

Call me the 2nd year now, I'm proud. All i could say is time flies and it feels like it was just yesterday when we had our freshman lunch. This year, I felt that I'm a grown up and have more responsibilities on me. I'm an adult now and have a future to work on.

Honey moon is ending real SOON. This sem, we're having psy 208 Biopsychology by Dr. Hera **shouting like a crazy fans** haha, psy 221 Developmental Psychology by Teresita Gutlerrez **silence...** I have no idea who's that, and psy 201 Advanced Research Method by Miss Winnie **Ehem ehem...** you know what i mean. These is our core and for the elective would be....












...The pictures told you most of it, about what we're taking for the elective.


Its psy 218 Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect by Mr Alex Lui. It's gonna be one of my favorite in the list. Child abuse had always been my...concern subjects. 1st year results weren't that satisfy, so my aim for this year would be - I really really need to put in more efforts. =)

XOXO
You know I can make it, Phebsy