Friday, April 22, 2011

The Shock News

I just thought of visiting you after my Monday's paper.
Read you the news, pray with you and ask God to take away your pain.
I thought of singing you some songs, with my old guitar.
Thought of telling you jokes, to make you realize the world's still not that bad.

But then, JJ called me.

"She's gone, phoebe. 3 hours ago."

You left at the evening. Suddenly, you're gone.

I'm sorry I didnt make the arrangement earlier to visit you. I thought there's still time.

I'm so sorry.

May you rest in peace.

Your sincere,
Phebs.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

It's D.O.N.E.

it never occurs to me that our years of friendship could be so fragile.

I'm over you and everyone else. You're immature and so do those who choose your sides without a seconds of thinking. It's okay, I have no friends to talk to now or cry to. Its okay, I mean I still can bear with it.

What's unbearable was days before that day. That day, I was insane, crazy and psycho. Smashing everything in my room, screaming, crying out loud and yelled to my parents saying I wish both of you kill me now. It was a melt down I guess and I just couldn't bear with it. I mean, with my crazy studies, parents who's getting the D papers sign and yell at me all the time since, the bffs who blamed me for basically everything, crazy works and no one in my life that I could go to, I guess I just kinda get insane with the situations. It feels like I need to deal everything in everywhere and God's playing hide and seek with me. I hate church and the whole God crap now, I hate people who're hypocrite in church, I hate being there like an idiot, I hate friends there who treat me like trash and I just wanna leave that damn place.

Ya people, go and put the blame on me that i'm irresponsible, i'm not holy, I'm evil, I'm...whatever! I'm so over everyone there. You guys not even there for me, and who the hell are you to judge me?! I have my bad days and sometimes i might show it, but don't you? Seriously, I'm better off without ALL of you. We can still talk but it'll never be the same. I was always there for everyone of you. I've move one now, and I wont stand at the same spot waiting for you to give me a nod or a smile anymore.

It's done, I'm done.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Once again

Once again, God have tested on me.
It's like i'm a Lab rat, being tested how much pain I could bear with.

Trying so hard to escaping from this cage, but God just put me back.
Yes, I have very low self-esteem and when you treat me like a trash, I really feel like one.
It's really really pain inside and no one know.
I don't feel appreciated all the time. Often, I fell people take me for granted.

I wasn't given a face or a body size that I wish. Even my personalities.
I dont like anything about myself. Even an inch.
I was born in a place that being fat and ugly is a sin.

I feel like an ogre.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Dumbo Dumb Dumb


From now on, it's literally me against the world. There will be only less than 4 hours of sleep per day. I have to get back what I lost.

I'm in great depression. You know the feeling that you thought you was doing good all this while but then one day it just strike you and your world fall apart. Yes. That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm at the bottom of everything! As a punishment or i shall say-preparation for the next war, I'll be studying and doing notes for every single day! YES, EVERY FREAKING SINGLE DAY!

Then plan is each day, I'll study/do notes from 11pm-1am, sleep for 3 hours, wake up and study again until 6.30am when I need to clean up and go Uni!

I started the plan today. Its 4am now. I was studying and doing the notes for biopsy and it took me nearly 4 hours to finish it. Tomorrow will revise advanced method. I know it's not good for my health and blah blah blah. But then, health and grades... do I still have to choose? I'll do WHATEVER it takes to get the grades I want!

XOXO
I'm not kidding, Phebsy

Friday, March 4, 2011

Running out of Time

It's March, 4 months left.

I'm running out of time to make my silly wish come true.

Gotta give it a try no matter what! I'll work out more!

XOXO
desperate student, Phebsy

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Just for you, Babe!



Ker yi had her 21st full of surprises! Hahaha I've been planning it for 2 weeks for the gifts, people and places. Its wasn't a big whoo-haa but simple and nice.

On her birthday itself, I made her believe that we have tutorials and from HELP I abducted her and blind-folded her. Then sally drove us to Levain which I predict would be a heaven for her since she LOVES bread. We had a fun time there, just 3 of us. That was the 1st surprise.

Then, we brought her to Pavillion for shopping. We asked her to go order in Snowflake and we went to buy cupcakes for her, as her 21st birthday cake. That was the 2nd surprise.


After a while, 2 of her high school friends showed up - Eng hoe and Wei Junn. =) Of course, it was part of the plan. That was the 3rd surprise! There were suppose to have the 4th surprise, which was her gift. But it got some problem in delivering so yea, gotta hold till next week! Anyhoos~ Glad that She happy! >3
______________________________________________

On Thursday, we had another celebration for her. We went Souled Out for dinner. There's Ker Yi, Me, Ging, Zhi Sung and Ker Chi. Its a really nice place! Good service, delicious food, reasonable price, and wonderful surrounding!















Afterward, the night was still early. We went Delicious in Bangsar to have dessert since we couldn't choose one from Souled Out. Nothing worth the price. We stay till 11pm and left the mall. Meet up the rest at Mist.
OMG, It's dead in either Mist and Milk. There's just one freaking table! We headed to Zouk, which was the original plan.









Happy birthday Sweetheart! >3


XOXO
Double up the workout! Phebsy

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

我,今年二十七八岁

我今年二十七八岁,
每天起床的时间从中午12点变成早上7点,睡觉的时间从凌晨2点变成了晚上11点;

我今年二十七八岁,
开始工作,开始接触形形色色的人;

我今年二十七八岁,
下班路过学校,看见学校放学,我们会怀念我们上学的时候;


我今年二十七八岁,
见到亲戚朋友,他们不再问你考试考了几分,更多的是问现在一个月工资多少;

我今年二十七八岁,
聊天的话题,从各种网络游戏变成汽车、房子,吃饭的时候讨论的往往是他准备结婚,她哪年结婚;

我今年二十七八岁,
每天不再感叹学校有多少作业做不完,开始感叹油价、房价涨的有多快;


我今年二十七八岁,
不再乱买东西,月底开始算计这个月还了信用卡,还了房贷,还剩下多少钱;

我今年二十七八岁,
渐渐地讨厌酒吧、KTV,喜欢亲近自然,喜欢健康的生活方式;


我今年二十七八岁,
常常会很挂念学校的朋友们,但是在QQ群里永远是隐身;


我今年二十七八岁,
我们开始追逐梦想,不会再轻易流泪,不会再为了一点挫折而放弃;

我今年二十七八岁,
没有了年少的轻狂,把遇到的挫折困难都当成一种人生的阅历,试着去包容,试着去忍耐;


我今年二十七八岁,
回想起曾经,我们做过了太多的错事,走了太多的弯路,我们总在后悔,可是我们回不去了,回去不那个曾经纯真的年代了。当我们被社会上无形的压力压 的喘不过气的时候,我们渴望每天下班了能有个人一起吃饭,一起看电影,我们需要一个人来为我们分担些东西。我们在一条伟大的航路上,我们需要有人为我们鼓 劲,也许我们偶尔累到会想放弃,可是当我们想到身边还有让我们牵挂的人,深吸一口气,继续向前走,我相信总有一个能够停靠的彼岸。



今年我二十七八岁,,,
孤单时 我没有去网吧
我们用手机隐身上QQ 看看谁在线呢 看见熟悉的人 想说点什么 究竟又什么也没说,就这样纠结着...我把空间刷新了一遍又一遍 看看谁更新心情了,谁更新日志了 回复了符号 却没有回复句子。。。
我今年二十七八岁,
烦恼的时候不再发牢骚··· 我静静的 静静的看着听着 这很现实又很虚伪的世界,,,
我今年二十七八岁,
明明很想哭,却还在笑。

明明很在乎,却装作无所谓。

明明很想留下,却坚定的说要离开。

明明很痛苦,却偏偏说自己很幸福。

明明忘不掉,却说已经忘了。

明明放不下,却说他是他,我是我。

明明舍不得,却说我已经受够了。

明明说的是违心的假话,却说那是自己的真心话。

明明眼泪都快溢出眼眶,却高昂着头。

明明已经无法挽回,却依旧执着。

明明知道自己很受伤,却说你不必觉得欠我的。

明明这样伪装着很累,却还得依旧……
为的只是隐藏起自己的脆弱,即使很难过,也会装的无所谓,只是不愿别人看见自己的伤口,不想让自己周围的人但心,不想让别人同情自己,只想在心底 独自承受,虽然心疼的难以呼吸,却笑着告诉所有人“我没事的!”然后静下来时,自己便笑话自己,何必把自己伪装的那么坚强?好像自己可以承受所有的苦难… 呵呵,这好累…好累………

--------------------------------------------------------
This is an article I saw online. It's meaning and I cried after reading it. :(

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I have Me


Without any clues what's happening right now, I'm in total lost.

Actually, I think i can get it by pieces that I collected. My family is in crisis now and they try to not let me know. My bffs are avoiding with God-know-why reasons and I'm in a lot of stress of the research papers. I do really need to talk to them about the whole family drama, but then, they're showing me this attitude as if I did something terrible. And you know the funny part? When I confronted to them and ask "hey, is there something going on between us? Did I did something that you ain't happy about it?", and guess what I got? They claimed that there isn't any different if I know the truth and asked me stop forcing them cause they are feeling upset now and need time to clear off. I was like WTH?! I don't even know what's the problem?! Don't you think I deserve to know the truth?! At least I know what I did was right or wrong. So now, basically I'm the public enemy. It's miserable cause when I need friends the most, they choose to hurt me and leave me alone. We were like triple all this while and out of the sudden I was kicked out and you guys went shopping, movies, dinner without me. YET, I'm like an idiot, smiling, pretend nothing happened and keep friends with you all. I don't understand. If your definition of best friend means hurting me like that, how about others? Why only me? It's been always me. YES, again it's my fault! Everything is my fault.

I'm alone. My family's gone. bff's gone. I have no one to go to.
I'm all by myself now, without anyone.
It's cool, I still have me.



I know I shouldn't, but when I looked out from the window, I feel freedom.
I know it's not right. But what's right? Everything's so crazy around, I just can't take it any longer.
My heart's hurt, it's in a lot of pain. SO?! Who knows and who cares?!
Every single day, like a clown I drew a big smile on my face, put on the colorful costume and I walk out that door.
And when I come back, the pain never gone less.
It's always about others others others... how about me?
People come to me and I helped them. When I have problems, no one even ask about it. Who do I go to? I have no one, not even my bffs. I have no one but myself.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Exhausted

I'm freaking tired.

Tired of doing others jobs for them, of pleasing others, of faking that damn smile, of trying to fit in so badly, of keeping everything inside, of agreeing what everybody says, of doing what others told.

It's just so damn hard. I'm exhausted, give me a break will ya?! I'm done being a puppet and letting others control how I feel, how I live my life!

I just wanna run away, far away from here! Cant wait to leave this place and start a new life of my own. But when reality strike, things just the same again. It's aint that easy to get rid of these.

After a long day of works and studies, what i need was some relax time with best friends. Instead of laughing together like fools, you ignore me totally. And I have done nothing wrong! So what's your problem?! YES! It so happen that everything's my fault! I'm always the one to blame for! Yes right! Shoot me then! Just freaking pull the trigger and shoot me!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Slumber Party



Catherine come over yesterday. We laugh together while having pillow fights. We had a break down and cried. We sleep eventually midnight WHILE talking half way.

Its good to have you, sister. >3

XOXO
you know I can't live without you, Phebsy

Thursday, January 13, 2011

This is me


Realize this recently, I can't communicate with others.

It feels like I'm so NOT in the group, that I can't fit in anywhere. People dont particularly like me, for I don't really respond when people talk to me, they think I'm arrogant or being cold. And I look like I'm mad to the whole world when I don't smile.

But the fact is I just don't know how to communicate with people. I can't respond well. I don't really know how to open or continue in the conversation. And I guess I have this face problem that I look upset when actually I'm just having my normal face.

People had been telling me and I know all this while. To Smile. I'm trying my best but it's just so hard. Because its not me. When I was young, something bad happened and I didn't smile or laugh for a year plus. People tend to put the blame on me saying why ain't you smiling but they're totally clueless about my past. You might think why is it so hard to just smile. Trust me, it's hard for me. Sometimes, you could almost see that I faked it.

I got better in recent years. Decided that I gotta change in order to fit in. But now, I found that the whole smiling is not the only reason the people don't come to talk to me. AGAIN, it's because of I'm ugly and fat. Please don't tell me that I'm being paranoid cause I'm not. I got this all the time and no one gets it. Friends around me are prettier than me, and people tend to just talk to them, look at them. I'm like invisible. I feel alone and I feel hurt.

"It's okay. God love you" I told myself.

I have aims for 2011. There's 2 of them and I wish that by the end of december 2011, I'll have no regrets.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Back from Jail



I always love her, even when she went through a tough time and got into some difficulties. Welcome back, Lindsay. >3

Call me the 2nd year now, I'm proud. All i could say is time flies and it feels like it was just yesterday when we had our freshman lunch. This year, I felt that I'm a grown up and have more responsibilities on me. I'm an adult now and have a future to work on.

Honey moon is ending real SOON. This sem, we're having psy 208 Biopsychology by Dr. Hera **shouting like a crazy fans** haha, psy 221 Developmental Psychology by Teresita Gutlerrez **silence...** I have no idea who's that, and psy 201 Advanced Research Method by Miss Winnie **Ehem ehem...** you know what i mean. These is our core and for the elective would be....












...The pictures told you most of it, about what we're taking for the elective.


Its psy 218 Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect by Mr Alex Lui. It's gonna be one of my favorite in the list. Child abuse had always been my...concern subjects. 1st year results weren't that satisfy, so my aim for this year would be - I really really need to put in more efforts. =)

XOXO
You know I can make it, Phebsy

Friday, December 31, 2010

I'll miss 2010


I was too naive to think that bubble can makes me happy when things like these happen to me on the last day of 2010. I'm lost and have no idea what should i do with my best friends and my family.



wondering around desa park cit for few hours. It was pointless. Everyone was so joyful and can't wait for the countdown, and there I was. Standing in the middle like no body. The fireworks was really really beautiful, guess they spent hundreds millions in it? I cried while people cheering for fireworks and for the new year. I was looking at the fireworks and cried in the middle of millions people. I was talking to God, why are these happening to me? on this day? can't it wait till next week?? I got nothing from the God but just fireworks and noises.

Went to 7-eleven to grab something. I need to drunk myself. I need a shoulder, need someone to talk to, need love, need someone to make me laugh, need someone to tell me that- Its okay to cry it out loud....

XOXO
Not a so-good- starting for 2011 :(

Thursday, December 23, 2010

She's happy! =)

On the actual date of my birthday:
We went Tao's in Sunway Giza for dinner.


Mr Reddy from Rachel and Adam!








Who was there?
Ker chi, Sally, Me, Pheoric, Faiz, Fawn, Adri, Rachel, Adam and Ker yi!


Thank you so much everyone! =)



Days before the actual date of my birthday:
Couples of the bffs showed up in my house and gave me a surprise!


Love the surprise! Love the cake! Love the presents! Love you all!



A meet with Pei fang at 1u for Rapunzel and lunch!




Makan @ New york New york. Yum yum.

Its coming to the end of the 2010. This year, I joined psy and just finished my 1st year. This year, I went Genting for the 1st time. This year, I broke up with a man that I'm still in love with. This year, learned through ups and downs. This year, I have an aim for next year. This year, I gotta pick up the burdens and be independent with my own life. This year is coming to an end, so don't let the shadows of yesterday spoil the sunshine of tomorrow! Live as if thats all you have and you'll appreciate life and enjoy with full of it.

XOXO
I'll miss you 2010, Phebsy

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

This is all about Him



Merry Merry people! Christmas is around the corner. Apparently, this is the most busiest week and most expensive week of the year! I'm officially BROKED! ==""" Been going out everyday to hunt for presents and having dates all the time. My tight schedule is full with appointments. Anyway, I've prepared all the presents I needed for my friends and family, have you? Dont forget its a season of sharing and loves! Don't be shy, and go spread it out! Candy cane counts too!



Its also "Tong Zi" tomorrow! Meaning i gotta eat "Tong Yuan" (Gluntinous rice dumpling)! I was making tong yuan just now, from mixing flour and flavors to stuffing brown sugar in it. and to be honest, I actually like this! Tong yuan have always been my favorite dessert of all. Don't you just love it when you see that bowl of colorful gluntinous rice dumpling?! Its irresistible! =) hahahha

XOXO Merry merry, Phebsy