I have Me

Without any clues what's happening right now, I'm in total lost.

Actually, I think i can get it by pieces that I collected. My family is in crisis now and they try to not let me know. My bffs are avoiding with God-know-why reasons and I'm in a lot of stress of the research papers. I do really need to talk to them about the whole family drama, but then, they're showing me this attitude as if I did something terrible. And you know the funny part? When I confronted to them and ask "hey, is there something going on between us? Did I did something that you ain't happy about it?", and guess what I got? They claimed that there isn't any different if I know the truth and asked me stop forcing them cause they are feeling upset now and need time to clear off. I was like WTH?! I don't even know what's the problem?! Don't you think I deserve to know the truth?! At least I know what I did was right or wrong. So now, basically I'm the public enemy. It's miserable cause when I need friends the most, they choose to hurt me and leave me alone. We were like triple all this while and out of the sudden I was kicked out and you guys went shopping, movies, dinner without me. YET, I'm like an idiot, smiling, pretend nothing happened and keep friends with you all. I don't understand. If your definition of best friend means hurting me like that, how about others? Why only me? It's been always me. YES, again it's my fault! Everything is my fault.

I'm alone. My family's gone. bff's gone. I have no one to go to.
I'm all by myself now, without anyone.
It's cool, I still have me.



I know I shouldn't, but when I looked out from the window, I feel freedom.
I know it's not right. But what's right? Everything's so crazy around, I just can't take it any longer.
My heart's hurt, it's in a lot of pain. SO?! Who knows and who cares?!
Every single day, like a clown I drew a big smile on my face, put on the colorful costume and I walk out that door.
And when I come back, the pain never gone less.
It's always about others others others... how about me?
People come to me and I helped them. When I have problems, no one even ask about it. Who do I go to? I have no one, not even my bffs. I have no one but myself.

Exhausted

I'm freaking tired.

Tired of doing others jobs for them, of pleasing others, of faking that damn smile, of trying to fit in so badly, of keeping everything inside, of agreeing what everybody says, of doing what others told.

It's just so damn hard. I'm exhausted, give me a break will ya?! I'm done being a puppet and letting others control how I feel, how I live my life!

I just wanna run away, far away from here! Cant wait to leave this place and start a new life of my own. But when reality strike, things just the same again. It's aint that easy to get rid of these.

After a long day of works and studies, what i need was some relax time with best friends. Instead of laughing together like fools, you ignore me totally. And I have done nothing wrong! So what's your problem?! YES! It so happen that everything's my fault! I'm always the one to blame for! Yes right! Shoot me then! Just freaking pull the trigger and shoot me!

Slumber Party

Catherine come over yesterday. We laugh together while having pillow fights. We had a break down and cried. We sleep eventually midnight WHILE talking half way.

Its good to have you, sister. >3

XOXO
you know I can't live without you, Phebsy

This is me

Realize this recently, I can't communicate with others.

It feels like I'm so NOT in the group, that I can't fit in anywhere. People dont particularly like me, for I don't really respond when people talk to me, they think I'm arrogant or being cold. And I look like I'm mad to the whole world when I don't smile.

But the fact is I just don't know how to communicate with people. I can't respond well. I don't really know how to open or continue in the conversation. And I guess I have this face problem that I look upset when actually I'm just having my normal face.

People had been telling me and I know all this while. To Smile. I'm trying my best but it's just so hard. Because its not me. When I was young, something bad happened and I didn't smile or laugh for a year plus. People tend to put the blame on me saying why ain't you smiling but they're totally clueless about my past. You might think why is it so hard to just smile. Trust me, it's hard for me. Sometimes, you could almost see that I faked it.

I got better in recent years. Decided that I gotta change in order to fit in. But now, I found that the whole smiling is not the only reason the people don't come to talk to me. AGAIN, it's because of I'm ugly and fat. Please don't tell me that I'm being paranoid cause I'm not. I got this all the time and no one gets it. Friends around me are prettier than me, and people tend to just talk to them, look at them. I'm like invisible. I feel alone and I feel hurt.

"It's okay. God love you" I told myself.

I have aims for 2011. There's 2 of them and I wish that by the end of december 2011, I'll have no regrets.

Back from Jail

I always love her, even when she went through a tough time and got into some difficulties. Welcome back, Lindsay. >3

Call me the 2nd year now, I'm proud. All i could say is time flies and it feels like it was just yesterday when we had our freshman lunch. This year, I felt that I'm a grown up and have more responsibilities on me. I'm an adult now and have a future to work on.

Honey moon is ending real SOON. This sem, we're having psy 208 Biopsychology by Dr. Hera **shouting like a crazy fans** haha, psy 221 Developmental Psychology by Teresita Gutlerrez **silence...** I have no idea who's that, and psy 201 Advanced Research Method by Miss Winnie **Ehem ehem...** you know what i mean. These is our core and for the elective would be....












...The pictures told you most of it, about what we're taking for the elective.


Its psy 218 Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect by Mr Alex Lui. It's gonna be one of my favorite in the list. Child abuse had always been my...concern subjects. 1st year results weren't that satisfy, so my aim for this year would be - I really really need to put in more efforts. =)

XOXO
You know I can make it, Phebsy

I'll miss 2010

I was too naive to think that bubble can makes me happy when things like these happen to me on the last day of 2010. I'm lost and have no idea what should i do with my best friends and my family.



wondering around desa park cit for few hours. It was pointless. Everyone was so joyful and can't wait for the countdown, and there I was. Standing in the middle like no body. The fireworks was really really beautiful, guess they spent hundreds millions in it? I cried while people cheering for fireworks and for the new year. I was looking at the fireworks and cried in the middle of millions people. I was talking to God, why are these happening to me? on this day? can't it wait till next week?? I got nothing from the God but just fireworks and noises.

Went to 7-eleven to grab something. I need to drunk myself. I need a shoulder, need someone to talk to, need love, need someone to make me laugh, need someone to tell me that- Its okay to cry it out loud....

XOXO
Not a so-good- starting for 2011 :(

She's happy! =)

On the actual date of my birthday:
We went Tao's in Sunway Giza for dinner.


Mr Reddy from Rachel and Adam!








Who was there?
Ker chi, Sally, Me, Pheoric, Faiz, Fawn, Adri, Rachel, Adam and Ker yi!


Thank you so much everyone! =)



Days before the actual date of my birthday:
Couples of the bffs showed up in my house and gave me a surprise!


Love the surprise! Love the cake! Love the presents! Love you all!



A meet with Pei fang at 1u for Rapunzel and lunch!




Makan @ New york New york. Yum yum.

Its coming to the end of the 2010. This year, I joined psy and just finished my 1st year. This year, I went Genting for the 1st time. This year, I broke up with a man that I'm still in love with. This year, learned through ups and downs. This year, I have an aim for next year. This year, I gotta pick up the burdens and be independent with my own life. This year is coming to an end, so don't let the shadows of yesterday spoil the sunshine of tomorrow! Live as if thats all you have and you'll appreciate life and enjoy with full of it.

XOXO
I'll miss you 2010, Phebsy

This is all about Him

Merry Merry people! Christmas is around the corner. Apparently, this is the most busiest week and most expensive week of the year! I'm officially BROKED! ==""" Been going out everyday to hunt for presents and having dates all the time. My tight schedule is full with appointments. Anyway, I've prepared all the presents I needed for my friends and family, have you? Dont forget its a season of sharing and loves! Don't be shy, and go spread it out! Candy cane counts too!



Its also "Tong Zi" tomorrow! Meaning i gotta eat "Tong Yuan" (Gluntinous rice dumpling)! I was making tong yuan just now, from mixing flour and flavors to stuffing brown sugar in it. and to be honest, I actually like this! Tong yuan have always been my favorite dessert of all. Don't you just love it when you see that bowl of colorful gluntinous rice dumpling?! Its irresistible! =) hahahha

XOXO Merry merry, Phebsy

Appreciate II

Continue...

To: Ker Yi
Thanks so much for the present! I definitely love it! Muacks love you!

To: CK
Thanks for the gift from Singapore, thought you're still holding it for no reason?! ==

To: Jane
Thanks for going shopping with me, and that dress! I like it! =)

To: Keat, JG, Momo, Lai ping, Chun lin...
Thanks for celebrating my birthday at Chili's! Though it almost killed me ( we ordered too much).

To: God
Thanks for giving me such a wonderful and meaningful birthday! I enjoyed very much! And thanks for giving me life and chance to live in this world.


XOXO
I know you love me, Phebsy

An Email to God

Dear God,

Please tell me what to do, how to be. I'm lost. I thought I have done my best for the youth. I'm in pain, please take away this miserable.

I just dont understand why!!!!
Why 'he' can just left his shit there and I need to clean it up at the end?!
Why 'he' can just walk away from everything like that?!
Why 'he' dont trust me and refuse to pass the key to me?!!!
... ... ...

I just dont get it?!!! and yet i'm pissed! Please water me, God.

Sincerely,
Your very upset daughter, Phebsy

Appreciate

Definitely Best birthday EVER!

Thanks to everyone who make my day! =)

To: Ker yi, Ker chi, Ging, Fawn, Rachel, Adri, Faiz, Adam, Pheoric, Junn
Thanks for coming to the dinner, for the present, birthday card and cheese cake! Thanks for everything, I really appreciate it a lot!

To: pei fang
Thanks for the present, lunch,movie and teman-ing me the whole day! =)

To: Bffs - Evon, Catherine and Cai yun
Thanks for the surprise party, the choc cheese cake ( i t was yummy btw), the present and everything! =)

To: Rubin, JJ, David, Steven
Thanks for the presents! =) love it.

To : You
Thanks for the cake, present and the hugs. thank you, love you. =)

To : Mummy
Thanks for giving a life, for raising me, for suffering for me, for everything! thank you mummy! love you, as always.

To: Daddy
Thanks for the seafood dinner. For others, you're not sentimental, not gentleman at all, not police, rough, fierce, bad temper and all. For me, you're my dad; you're best dad ever.

To : everyone who wished me through fb/sms/email in person
Thanks, you lighted up my day!

This is not the end. =D

XOXO
To Be Continue...

That's effort

I ran slower than others, but its okay.
Like others, I finished my loops just that I need more time to ran.
Unlike others, I enjoy the journey by observing the surroundings and the people.
Unlike others, I jog with a smile on my face.

Been jogging for about 2 months.
I started with heartache, and breathless after running for few loops.
Now, I can jog for 5 loops, non-stop with no heartache and I do normal breathe.

Raise your cup, for my determination and my journey of losing 20 kgs!

XOXO
you know I can make it there, Phebsy

The feeling of getting stuck

Can I have a birthday cake this year, Please please please???

I'm fully booked (almost) for dec, the month of the year that I could celebrate like no body's business! My birthday is just around the corner and I have tons of dates with tons of people! Hahaha starting from this wed - Lunch @ Daorae! One of my favorite korean restaurant! My Bffs have no plans for me yet. However, I smell something fishy going on. Hopefully, its a surprise party!!! hahaha I'm in hallucination! I love my birthday! the month of the year I get to wish for anything I like, almost! hahha I love to look at a table of presents that friends gave with wishes! Stay tune for more info of my coming birthday parties!
A girl who just can't wait for her candy cane

XOXO You know you love me, Phebsy

I just want everyone to have a good Christmas. What wrongs had I did to get myself into this mess?

It was numb, till I pulled the trigger. I smell something. I sense something moving downwards from the head. I feel the world's spinning and I allow myself spin by the world.

One said : Its hard to make everyone happy; You cant make everyone like you.

Guess this saying is quiet true.

I dont understand, what's so hard about it?
I dont understand, why you don't get it?
I dont understand, how can you make it look like I cause all these dramatic events.
I dont understand, I just want to make everyone happy. Christmas is a season of sharing, isn't it? How it ended up like that?

I dont understand.

All the arrows are pointed at me, all the blame. Was I wrong? Cause it looks like I did something I shouldn't be.

I'm lost.

Can't Wait For it!

Heart every bits of it!

XOXO
You know you love me!