Tooth Fairy

I sincerely wish that for once in my life, a guy who I love would come to me and say "I love you. Not because of your hair, you lips nor your eyes, but you're beautiful from the inside out.

I really hope this day will come.

How did things ended that way?

My great grandfather, Bruce Lee once said "Patience has its limits, take it too far and it's cowardice."

:D Hope you know what you're doing.

Clouds make me Moody

I know what it's like to want to die so badly.
I know how it hurts to force a smile.
I know how you try so bad to fit in but you can't.
I know how you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside.
I know how hopeless you feel when nobody else stand by you and all they do is watch and laugh.
I know how helpless you are to just satisfy everybody's needs and expectations.
I know how tiny you felt when you screamed so loud but nobody hears you.
I know how painful it's like to work your ass of for something and as return, you got nothing.

I screwed up things very often and I'm started to think that I was born to lose. It's hard to live in a world that I could never ever fit in and giving up seems like the easiest way. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know who am I, anymore.

XOXO
I think I need to see a therapist.

Queen and King

I havent been blogging since June, God knows why.

I have too much to share about the past few months, but my mind went totally blank when I start writing it here. Funny.

Exactly a year ago, I posted this on facebook...
" Broken hearted girls are like Queens in the chess game. Queen always have DEADliest moves, but she'd sacrifice herself to let her King live. "

I was reminded why did I posted that and its something have been inside of me. I guess, it'll always be a part of me.

A lot have changed since I reached Aussie, I've changed and could see that when I interact with people. I felt like I'm no more the depressed-emo-quiet Phoebe and I dont wear the "Dont-mess-with-me" fierce look. I guess its the environments and people. :D I'm glad. Love Aussie, totally! I would like to spend the rest of my life in this place after I retired. But before that, I want to stay in the states and married a Caucasian! :))

Sitting around on the grass in UQ makes me thoughts a lot about my future. Gotta admit, it's really good for me cause it motivate me to work harder in studies. Rachel and I was talking about studying in the States together. It's really exciting already when I thought of it! I have good feelings for next sem!

Fawn's leaving to UK in 20 days. She's been such a good friend and it's hard to see her leave. Our group is getting smaller and smaller. :((

XOXO
More upcoming, Phebs!

Who's the man?

他，走路一年比一年慢了。他，白头发一年比一年多了。他，记性一年比一年差了。都六十岁人了，天天还要日晒雨淋的做功，为的都是我。他虽然从来没讲过他爱我，但他给我的爱和温暖从来不比别人少。他虽然很粗鲁不讲道理，但我讲的话他都听在心里。谢谢你这20年来的爱护！

His walking pace is getting slower each year. The grey hair of his, had added on each year. Little by little, he's losing his memory. He's almost 60 years old, and yet he work day and night under sun and rain, just for me. He never said that he love me, but the stuffs that he did had shown. He's always rude and dominant, but he remember every single words that I said and keep it inside of him. Thanks for taking good care of me these 20 years and loving me so much!

Happy Father's day and Happy birthday Dad! :D

XOXO
You know you love me, Phebsy

The honest compliment

I hate wearing white. It keep reminding how fat I am.
I hate wearing make up. It keep reminding how ugly I am.
I hate wearing heels. It keep reminding how short I am.
I hate looking myself in the mirror. It keep reminding me how disgusting I am.

So, when people say something nice about my appearance, I often think they said it for the sake of saying it. Because it's not true, at all.

XOXO
Ugly ducking, Phebsy.

I'm awake, now.

It strikes me.

Yes Dr Goh, it is heart breaking.

Thanks for the wake up calls, I'm fully awake now and I promise I know what I'm doing.

Sorry that I took it for granted.

XOXO
Heart broken, Phebsy

No, It's not okay.

We're not okay. Nope, we're not.

You don't know me at all. So, please stop talking like you do.

Thank you. :)

Friends of the yesterdays

Its really hard, I tried hard.

I've been trying so hard to reconcile our friendship. Even though you hurt me every time we meet, I still keep it inside, smile and try to talk with you. But, you give ma no chance at all. I tried creating topics, one after another. Yet, you're not listening to me, not talking to me, not even looking at me. It's like i'm invisible. 10 years of friendship its really difficult to have it and I wanted us to be friends forever. But it seems like you don't have to will to continue in the show.

Do you know how hard it was to be misunderstood by everyone? I cried all the time because of the ways you guys treated me. You've been telling others about me, stuffs that's not true. People buy it and make that kind of stare at me every time I walked in. I was rejected by everyone! Nobody wanna to talk to me nobody cares about me! You guys chat like i'm not there!

You guys doesn't care for me, when I was sick, when my grandpa die, when I had problems with my studies....None of you care and yet, I continue smile to everyone on Sundays and concern about all your life.

Friends are not suppose to be like that.
Friends are suppose to be there when they need each other.
Friends are suppose to listen and talk to each other when one's having a rough time.
Friends are suppose to laugh and cry together no matter what happen....

I love everyone of you, but nobody give a shit of what's happening to me.

The Holidays

So, how i spent my 2 precious week of sem break?

Since I don't have friends now, and no one would want to go to watch with me. I started the journey of watching movies in the cinema, alone.


I'm a fan of Donnie Yen and fighting too. :)


Fast 5 was just above awesome! definitely love it!


Red riding hood is just awesome, unexpected.

I scared myself out of this. A Singaporean made scary/comedy movie. I was the ONLY ONE in the whole cinema.


I cried twice watching this. They remake the story of our Chinese famous fairy tale with the remembrance of the past Leslie Chung. They changed the story though and I like it.


Then, I cried again watching love and other drugs.


And Rachel was right, burlesque was just, nah....

I bought dvds to watch too, miss a lot of nice movies like Just Go With It, No Strings Attached, The Tourist....

It surprised me that, I havent been talking to anyone for 4 days. Its was zombie life. I slept at day and watch movies/shows in the night.

I went jogging everyday too, since I'm way too free.

Now, one week left, I'll make sure it worth!

XOXO
Movie mania, Phebsy

The Shock News

I just thought of visiting you after my Monday's paper.
Read you the news, pray with you and ask God to take away your pain.
I thought of singing you some songs, with my old guitar.
Thought of telling you jokes, to make you realize the world's still not that bad.

But then, JJ called me.

"She's gone, phoebe. 3 hours ago."

You left at the evening. Suddenly, you're gone.

I'm sorry I didnt make the arrangement earlier to visit you. I thought there's still time.

I'm so sorry.

May you rest in peace.

Your sincere,
Phebs.

It's D.O.N.E.

it never occurs to me that our years of friendship could be so fragile.

I'm over you and everyone else. You're immature and so do those who choose your sides without a seconds of thinking. It's okay, I have no friends to talk to now or cry to. Its okay, I mean I still can bear with it.

What's unbearable was days before that day. That day, I was insane, crazy and psycho. Smashing everything in my room, screaming, crying out loud and yelled to my parents saying I wish both of you kill me now. It was a melt down I guess and I just couldn't bear with it. I mean, with my crazy studies, parents who's getting the D papers sign and yell at me all the time since, the bffs who blamed me for basically everything, crazy works and no one in my life that I could go to, I guess I just kinda get insane with the situations. It feels like I need to deal everything in everywhere and God's playing hide and seek with me. I hate church and the whole God crap now, I hate people who're hypocrite in church, I hate being there like an idiot, I hate friends there who treat me like trash and I just wanna leave that damn place.

Ya people, go and put the blame on me that i'm irresponsible, i'm not holy, I'm evil, I'm...whatever! I'm so over everyone there. You guys not even there for me, and who the hell are you to judge me?! I have my bad days and sometimes i might show it, but don't you? Seriously, I'm better off without ALL of you. We can still talk but it'll never be the same. I was always there for everyone of you. I've move one now, and I wont stand at the same spot waiting for you to give me a nod or a smile anymore.

It's done, I'm done.

Once again

Once again, God have tested on me.
It's like i'm a Lab rat, being tested how much pain I could bear with.

Trying so hard to escaping from this cage, but God just put me back.
Yes, I have very low self-esteem and when you treat me like a trash, I really feel like one.
It's really really pain inside and no one know.
I don't feel appreciated all the time. Often, I fell people take me for granted.

I wasn't given a face or a body size that I wish. Even my personalities.
I dont like anything about myself. Even an inch.
I was born in a place that being fat and ugly is a sin.

I feel like an ogre.

The Dumbo Dumb Dumb

From now on, it's literally me against the world. There will be only less than 4 hours of sleep per day. I have to get back what I lost.

I'm in great depression. You know the feeling that you thought you was doing good all this while but then one day it just strike you and your world fall apart. Yes. That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm at the bottom of everything! As a punishment or i shall say-preparation for the next war, I'll be studying and doing notes for every single day! YES, EVERY FREAKING SINGLE DAY!

Then plan is each day, I'll study/do notes from 11pm-1am, sleep for 3 hours, wake up and study again until 6.30am when I need to clean up and go Uni!

I started the plan today. Its 4am now. I was studying and doing the notes for biopsy and it took me nearly 4 hours to finish it. Tomorrow will revise advanced method. I know it's not good for my health and blah blah blah. But then, health and grades... do I still have to choose? I'll do WHATEVER it takes to get the grades I want!

XOXO
I'm not kidding, Phebsy

Running out of Time

It's March, 4 months left.

I'm running out of time to make my silly wish come true.

Gotta give it a try no matter what! I'll work out more!

XOXO
desperate student, Phebsy